Sir, 1 would like to begin by saying that am sorry. lf 1 could bring back those Afghan men, women and children, I would. I hurt daily thinking about my actions and how, they affect the . family members of those whom have been killed. lthink of the lost possibilities in the lives not lived. It is possible that one of those people could have been the next Mother Teresa, Gandhi, or Dr. King. I don?t believe that peace in Afghanistan of Iraq is possibleprotect the civilians to allow for them to have the opportunity to create their own proSperity. \5 I) tailed my mission and brought shame and horror to the things '1 valued most, my family. my Army, and my country. I have considered my actions continuously since my return to Village Stability. Platform (VSP) Belambai. I continue to ask the same question over and over, ?twhy did I do this?? [just keep waiting to wake up from a bad nightmare. In the beginning, I could not bring myself to believe 1 killed innocent Afghan people. 1 always viewed myself as a good guy or go toguy when things mattered. On the day of my arrest, 1 even told the other Soldiers that thought 1 was doing the right thing. I Initially, I tried to deny to myself what happened. Later tried to jiistify my actions and became angry. Eventually the reality set in and I realized I was the bad guy. I had killed men, women and children. The di??erence between a Soldier and a thug with a gun is authority and I didn?t have that authority. I would do anything not to be the bad guy. . Experts have blamed everything from PTSD, Brain Damage Anxiety Disorder, to something don?t understand about having overdeveloped impulse control to having an underdeveloped cortex. 1 don?t know about all of that. 1 still struggle with believing PTSD is real. I always thought it was an excuse to be a coward. I did seek treatment for afler my third deployment. 1 had read about some of lhe like being angry about nothing. One day. I was washing the dishesand started to yell at my four year old daughter, and it hit me that I needed to do something. had been having problems sleeping since my second deployment and had'heen using sleeping pills since 2007. Most nights I was only getting three hours ofsleep. On a good night, i would get 4-5 hours of sleep. The main reason I thought it was was because I had been having had headaches Sol decided I0 go to the TBI Clinic ht Old Madigan. The docinr made me take a visa survey mid all the questions on the survey fit my At the time, I didn't put too much faith in PTSD as a actual illness, but I wanted the doctor to treat my headaches. Afler a few sessions with the doctor, something happened to her personally and the clinic cancelled my appointments. VAfler a few sessions with the PTSD doctor I though it wasn't helping because he just kept telling me my anger was a mask for another emoiiani What emotion! The only thing felt was weak talking about emotions. Where I am from, men don't talk like that. I told the PTSD doctor I was doing better and he let me stop coming. 1 would have just stopped going, but I didn't want him to contact the unit, because at that time another snipe-Vas removed from his position for going to see some PTSD people and I dri't want to lusemy job. Even though many doctors have diagnosed me with and PTSD, I still will not admit that it was the sole reason for my actions. Others have said it was tlte alcohol, steroids, and sleeping pills, or a combination of all three that pushed me over the edge, 1 am not going to use'lhat as an excuse. I know] em to blame. I knew better than to use alcohol while deployed. It began easy enough, a couple of drinks to go to sleep with some sleeping pills. At the time, a [at of people were doing the same thing. At the lime, itjust didn't seem like that big ofa deal. It seemed like aharmless Vice. 1 had built up a tolerance for sleeping pills. I had taken some form for almost two years or more. Most people would have been asleep with the number of pills i had taken. I knowingly used steroids for several reasons. First, I believed they would make me bigger, stronger and faster. Truthl'ully, I would have done anything to give me an advantage, Alter 1 started taking them, they really helped with the pain in my knees and lower back. I put very little thought into the effect they had on my mood or emotions. Again, I am not making an excuse. I chose to do the wrong thing. Others claimed it was my financial failures. I owned several homes that had last a lot of value during the crash. I was in the middle oftrying to short sell them or do a deed in lien of foreclosure. I was down over $250,000 in both homes and at an even eight percent return I would still be under water ten years later. I was behind on payments because my rental property had not been rented in two years and my wife was out ofajob for almost three years. My wife is a project manager and she was making over $75,000 per year and our bills were based an that amount. We had some savings, but that ran out along her unemployment, So, afler three deployments. I was going to end up with nothing. My wife finally found ajob and we were starting to do better when I got deployed to Afghanistan. We had agreed to try to rebuild our savings by living offof her wages while I invested mine. On Monday, 5 March 2012, the day - lost his leg and five others were medevac'd out due to an IED attack outside ut'the abandoned ANCOP post at Sullimas School, I got into a huge fight with my wife. She wanted me to transfer her $1,000. I had the money invested, so she hung up on me, Igot mad and sold all ofour stock positions and sent her all the money, around $8,000. In her defense. she wasjust trying to pay the hills and had no idea of the events ofthal day. So, I guess you could say we were having marriage problems, but who doesn't afier four deployments. I still don't believe the TBI, alcohol, steroids, and sleeping pills were the only factors In my actions on ll March 2012. I believe there is much more I worked hard Wanting to he the best Soldier in the Amy I was obsessed with studying manuals, watching war documentaries and readings about insurgencies. Later in my Army career, I began to change i didn't want to make a bad decision on the ground and loose one of my guys. We trained hard and most ofthc guys understood why We trained so hard. I understand that people die in mmbat, but 1 don't think i could live with myselfifl could have prevented it by being tougher on them or by making a bad decision. 1 had been through fire fights, lEDs, HBIEDS, mass casually sinntions, and many other combat situations, So, going into my fourth deployment, I was experienced. Normally that would be a good thing, but now I know it made me paranoid and ineffective. Napoleon Hill talks about the power of the mind in the book Think and Grow Rich. He states "whatever the mind can think and believe, il. can achieve." Jesus talks about reaping what you sow. I had spent about 40% oflhe last ten years deployed. I spent ahoui 30% of the time training for the next deployment. i believe coupling that with the experience of heing through all those combat situations, I was overtomc with paranoia 1 don't remember the feeling of fear. only the regrets of not doing mule. lt is the spot between hopeless and helplasi When you get home from deployments, you sit back and second guess your choices, wishing for a different outcome Prior to your next deployment, you swear you'll tin better. You relive every engagement and try to lenm from it. but you're stuck. If someone didn't tie down the ammo cans, someone could get hurl. If we don't have the breech equipment. we will need iL What about our PACE plan, does everyone know what to do? lf 1 only noticed the mad being free of people. might have noticed the 1r only 1 had taken the shot-night have his leg, The list Dfifl only had done this it might have turneti out differently is endless. -and .ntight still be alive. still have their limbs. Theroulelcleared in Muhala 824 in Dorah 07 where the deep buried blew up the Striker and killed four and wounded 4 two others, I had noticed something. It is not ifyou and your hiends are going to die, but when became callous to them even being human, they were all enemy. Guilt and fear are with you day and night. Overtime your experiences solidify your'prcjudice. The IED blast in the populated neighborhood proves that they are all had. Someone had to see something. A huge hole was dug and a 150 pound ofexplosives was placed into the ground, The rockets, mortars, IEDs, RPGs, snipers and pop shot guys you can never seem to catch frustrates you. It is like the school yard hully who punches you every day and gets away with no recourse. The hate grows not only for the insurgents, but towards everyone who isn't American. My mind was consumed by war, I planted war and hate ror the better pan orten years and harvested violence After being in prison for two years, i understand that what I thouyat was normal was the farthest thing from normal War is evil. 1 see that now. 1, beinga part or war, acted in evil. Yet, I am not an evil man. Ifyou can see past the press clippings and prosecution, you will find someone who loves his family, believes in Christ, would do anything for a friend, and is loyal to a fault, Sir, I try to talk to or write my family daily. I draw pictures, write stories, telljokespand do just about anything to relate to my seven year old daughter. and my four year old son -: have done what 1 can to explain that Daddy lives here at Leavenworth and they live with Mom in Seattle. Still my four year old asks me when I am coming home. I try to remsure him his Dad loves him so much and I don't ltnow ifl'll ever be able to come home. I try to quickly change the topic to Spiderrnan or the Ninja Turtles, but he always comes back to missing 111:. lell him God has a plan. I call oflen. but my daughter 'will hardly tallt to me. Last year she wrote me a letter and told me it was too hard to talk and she missed me so much she could cry, I alien think about packing up the boy in the child's hack pack with -grabbing our black Lab, Jackie Ann, and going for a hike, They had to give up Jackie Ann when they moved into an apartment. I think aboul playing soccer with -al the stadium next to our old home. She was so fast. I am so proud oi'hcr. -was only Iwo when left for Afghanistan. I dreamed ofplaying hall with him and taking him fishing. think of walking my daughter down theaisle someday. I dream them in my aunts and letting them fall asleep in my arms. I so want to take away their pain and cnnfusion. luray to God every day for them may He gives me a chance to be a falher to lhem or lels me die in my sleep so their wounds can heal. lknuw they are affected by my actions, I have only regret for not getting help My- pride cost me my fimily. My wife is my best fgiend. 1 think other days and jusl cringe She wakes up early to get the kids ready for school. She gets them clean, dressed, reeds and shuttles them offlo school and daycare. 'llten, she hurries through traffic to make it to work befme 0900, where she works all day long as a projecl manager al_ where she either feasts or struggles to pay the bills. Some months she works upwards of300 hours, others she might only get 20 hours. She then leaves work around 1700, again to rush through traffic to grab the kids on time. She then grabs them a bite to eat as they are off to some Ulher practice. Afler getting home, she helps my daughter with her homework and then puts them to bed. This is when on abusy month she goes back to work until around midnight. This is an awesome amount orwork for anyone- -- Very few people could go through what she has went through over the pasl ten years. She last nmlherlo cancer same lime was lift: I couldn't do anything but hurt as she describes her .t shortcomings as a parent. Here she is losing her mother, her husband, dealing with work, - -and trying to give our kids the best, a senthlanee cfa normal life. i just want to he ax there for her. to help her to validate herself and say ?you?re great and I love you so much.? I need to be there for her and for him. If given the chance, I know I could help other Veterans come to terms with PTSD as a real thing. I can feel a difference in myself now that I am getting help and medi?ation. Currently, I am taking Lexapro (SSRJ), trazodone, and melatonin for- my anxiety and depression. . I also take imatrex, which is?a headache medicine. Currently, I am in one-on?one anger management cognitive behavioral therapy. I have been scheduled for reasoning and rehab group therapy along with a program called assault of offenders here at the USDB. I have also requested \to take a class called seven habits of highly effective people with the focus of understanding others. AS I become more educated on PTSD and anxiety problems, I realize I knew the term PTSD butl really didn?t understand what it was. This is whatI believe I could help others understand that the hyper-vigilance, micro-managing, inability to relax and do nothing is a sign or not much different from the sleepless nights and the nightmares. I know now that at some point attention to detail becomes obsessive and counter-productive. Sir, I am doing everything in my power to prove to the and the world that I deserve another chance. Including the voluntary treatment I am taking, 1 am. also going to Barber College here at the USDB. I have also enrolled to. ?nish my Bachelor?s degree through correspondence caurses at Ohio University. I volunteer to clean the latrines in the Chapel on Tuesdays and work the sound equipment every third Sunday. I have been baptized since arriving at the USDB, as well as earning certi?cates for completing an effective writing course as well as several religious classes. Sir, I am not a threat to society. I just want to go home and be a husband and a father. Sir. I know I am so wrong for so many reasons and whether in prison or on a couch. the -. nameless faces will haunt me forever. I pray for the souls of Shah Tarina, Zahrah, Nazir Mohammad, Masuma, Farida, Palwasha, Nabia, Ismattullah, Faizullah, Akhtar,155a, Mohamde Dawud', Khudai Dad, Nazir, Na?ikmarga, and Gulalai. The truth is I pray for all the people I . have killed in war. War is ugly. I hate myself for my part in the war. Paul (an apostle of Christ) tells us. in Romans 12520 if your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. Sir, Paul tells us later in the chapter to not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.- You have the ability to set-me free to be a father, a husband, a neighbor, a friend. 1 know. I didn?t have the authority or the right to do what 1 did on i 1 March 2012 just'like I don?t have the authority or right to ask you for a chance. I will never attempt to justify the unjusti?able, but ask that you give me a chance to have the parole board weigh my sins and possibilities in the future. If you reference the letter I sent to my wife and'kids about a month prior to the incident, you will know I love children, all children, and thought they were our best hope for peace in Afghanistan. Even the prosecution admits was asking for the Talib, as stated in the Stipulation of Facts. This is important beeausel would like for you to consider my intent. Good intent still does not change bad outcomes. Which brings me back to my original question of why? Over my past two years of incarceration, have come to understand there isn?t a why, there is only pain. Thank you in advance for your help. Robert Bales